How often have you been at someone’s funeral and afterwards realised you’ve just found out more about them than you knew when they were alive ? The Granny you thought of as a little old lady swathed in pastel pink, had been young once: she’d worked in a munitions factory, rode a motorbike, was engaged 3 times before she met Grandad, each time to a different man called Donald.
It’s like she had a secret life before you were born. Granny was many things to many different people, most of whom you’ll never know. And you’ll piece together her life, like a jigsaw, when you sort through her belongings and treasures.
Clearing a house after a loved one has died is hard. Often it’s more emotionally exhausting than physically. You’re sifting through the remnants of a life: all the personal effects that meant something; reminders of happy times; birthday cards from years ago; trinkets with memories attached; photos from a distant era.
The most innocuous little thing can make you cry. Maybe it’s a drawing you did as a kid and she’s kept it all these years. Or the food in the fridge she was expecting to eat.
Losing a loved one makes us face up to our own mortality. We will all be gone one day: our lives represented by a collection of clothes, furniture, documents, photos, random detritus. Mountains of memories, a story told through the possessions we’ve valued and loved. As well as all the junk that’s piled up along the way without anyone noticing.
You can’t take it with you.
And you can’t keep everything either.
What do you keep when someone dies ? Don’t keep stuff because you feel you should. Things in themselves aren’t important: it’s the emotional link we attach to them. That’s their real value and it’s irreplaceable. Cherish the items that give you the strongest connection: a poignant memory, or that make you laugh and smile.
Ok so that vile green vase is worth a fortune. Sell it and don’t feel guilty. Granny wouldn’t expect you to give it house room. Look on it as an investment she made on your behalf. Toast her with bubbly you buy with the proceeds.
And before you hire a skip…
It’s more important than you think to find a good home for things. Finding someone who will appreciate a piece of furniture or a much loved picture will give you closure and peace; as well as a feeling of satisfaction that you’ve done the right thing. It’s the most respectful thing you can do with a loved one’s belongings. The value they attached to their possessions will be appreciated by someone new. Think of it as rehoming.
Clearing a loved one’s home and dealing with their possessions can be overwhelming and upsetting. But it’s a vital part of the healing process, helping you to come to terms with your loss and accepting the fact that they’re gone.
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